I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
