i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
