ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
