haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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