The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
