everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
