I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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