I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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