So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
