Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Two words: blizzard sex
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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