I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
