i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
