i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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