I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
