Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
