I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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