That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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