I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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