I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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