I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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