smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
