he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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