Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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