I will die if light touches me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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