I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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