I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
