i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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