Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
