They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
