and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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