I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
