Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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