Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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