my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
