I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
