I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
