take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
