Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
