We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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