Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
