dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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