also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
