Where did you get a picture of my penis
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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