this beer tastes like vomit already
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
