Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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