Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
