I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
