This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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