I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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