I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
